


Betrayal

by sierraraeck



Series: Aundreya Chambers [10]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner - Freeform, Angst, Aundreya Chambers, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Criminal Minds Family, David Rossi - Freeform, Derek Morgan - Freeform, Emily Prentiss - Freeform, FBI, Gen, Original Female Character - Freeform, POV Original Female Character, Penelope Garcia - Freeform, Slow Burn, Spencer Reid - Freeform, Spencer Reid Angst, The BAU Team as Family (Criminal Minds), bau, jennifer jareau - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29186055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sierraraeck/pseuds/sierraraeck
Summary: Series Summary: This is a series following Aundreya Chambers and her experience with the BAU, Spencer, and trying to navigate the FBI as a high-profile criminal. And things get very messy.Chapter Summary: Partially inspired by 8x4 God Complex. Aundreya finally figures out who Spencer has been calling on the payphone. Story ten.
Relationships: The BAU Team/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Aundreya Chambers [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2130924
Kudos: 1





	Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> Please welcome Tara Lewis everyone. I know that she was never a part of this particular team, but she now has a guest appearance because I wanted her to have one.

“You have zero manners,” Morgan said.

“That is not true!” I snapped back.

“Yes. It is. You literally inhale your food in under ten seconds and just now you walked in here and basically yelled ‘I’m back, baby’ to the entire bullpen,” he pointed out.

“Okay, sure, but that doesn’t mean I lack all manners completely. I just have unconventional ones,” I countered.

“ _Unconventional?_ ” Prentiss snorted. “You are one of the most uncivilized people I have ever met.”

“Fuck you, I’m civilized!” I said, flabbergasted. They both just stared at me with a knowing look and I wanted to hit myself. I slowly nodded my head, and clicked my tongue. “Yeah. I hear it now.”

Morgan gave a single laugh shaking his head and Prentiss just rolled her eyes and smiled. 

“Ah, who cares? At least you keep things interesting,” a voice behind me said. I turned around to see a tall, gorgeous woman I didn’t recognize standing behind me. 

Prentiss jumped up and hugged her, “Tara! It’s good to see you again. I’m glad you could join us for this case.”

“I’m happy to be here,” she said.

“Derek Morgan,” he introduced, holding his hand out. She shook it and then turned to me.

“Aundreya Chambers.”

“I know,” Tara said, extending her hand. I didn’t know whether to be insulted or flattered, but I just brushed it off.

I was about to reach for her hand when Morgan interrupted, “Woah, woah, woah. You might not want to do that.”

I turned to glare at him, knowing he was going to make some dumbass joke about me ‘rubbing off on people’. But then I decided I’d not only go along with it, but I’d take control of it.

“Wait, why?” Tara asked, hand still floating in mid air.

“It’s because I have a highly contagious, chronic disease. I hope you have all of your vaccines,” I said before Morgan could jump in. He gave me a wide-eyed look, but shortly after, I saw him suppress a smile.

“Oh, really?” Tara’s expression was a mix between confusion and worry.

“Yeah, I’ve been battling it for pretty much my entire life. It’s gotten worse over these past couple of years, though,” I said. Emily frowned at me, but Derek was definitely enjoying himself. 

“What disease?”

“It’s uh … It’s called uh,” I started, snapping my fingers like I was trying to recall the word. “Derek, what’s it called?”

“Being a bitch?” he offered, eyebrows raised.

“Ah! That’s the one!” I said, pointing my finger over at him like I’d just had a revelation. I winked at him and he couldn’t hold back his grin any longer. 

Tara started laughing, but then quickly composed herself. “That sounds really serious, I’m so sorry to hear that. How are you doing?”

“You know, I manage,” I said, smiling at her.

She nodded, returning my smile. “Well, I actually lived with someone fighting that _very same_ disease, so I’ve built up the antibodies. I don’t think one handshake will hurt.”

“Few. That’s a relief,” I said, finally shaking her hand.

“You will have to excuse her and her occasional antics,” JJ said walking by. 

Spencer was right behind her, gesturing toward Morgan. “Yeah, and his. He’s not much better.”

“That’s a load of crap,” Morgan was quick to defend.

“Sure it is,” Emily said sarcastically.

Rossi walked into the room, already knowing that we were being unprofessional. “Guys, behave. Agent Lewis, I apologize for anything they may have already said or done.” He looked pointedly at Morgan and I. We both put our hands up in defense. 

Tara still had a smile plastered on her face. “Don’t worry. I already like your team. I’m going to have no problem working with you all on this case.”

“And we already like you,” I told her. “I’m glad you have a good sense of humor.”

“What can I say? I enjoy trying to keep the mood as light as possible. Gotta have some sort of balance working a job like this,” she said. We all nodded profusely at her words.

When we arrived at the round table, Hotch was already there.

“So I see you’ve met Doctor Lewis,” he raised his eyebrows. 

“Ooh. _Doctor_. Be careful Spencer, she’s coming for your title,” I joked.

“Oh, no! Definitely not. Under no circumstances do I want to compete against the genius,” she quickly corrected. Reid just shyly smiled.

“I think you should at least _try_ and give him a run for his money,” I entertained.

“Aundreya?” Aaron intervened.

“Yeah?”

“Focus.”

“What is it with you people today, coming at me like this,” I let my hands slap against my thighs.

“ _Aundreya_.”

“Yes, okay, I’m focused, god.”

He gave me that signature stone face and I gestured for him to continue. I saw Derek smirk out of the corner of my eye, so I swiftly made eye contact with him, scratching my temple with only my middle finger. He blew air out of his nose in a small laugh. 

“We are going to be flying to Phoenix to revisit the Ken Keith case. As you all know, he was one of Phoenix’s most prolific serial killers and at some point we thought he had a partner, but the killings stopped after he was incarcerated, so we figured we had it wrong. Last night, there was another killing that partially matched Keith’s MO and signature,” Aaron explained.

“Partially matched?” Prentiss asked.

“When the body was found, they had all of their limbs, except their leg had been amputated and replaced.”

“Okay, so a copycat?” JJ asked.

“That’s what the local PD initially thought, but the victim had traces of tomato soup in her stomach, a ritual that was never released to the public,” Hotch said. “Doctor Lewis will be aiding us in speaking with Keith considering that is her area of expertise.”

I leaned over and whispered, “Have fun with that.”

“I always do,” Tara replied.

“If this partner is anything like Keith, we need to catch him as quickly as possible. Wheels up in 30.”

* * *

Ken Keith is what you would call a mad scientist. He spent five years amputating one of his victim’s legs, and then trying to replace it with someone else’s. When it didn’t work, he would cut off all of their limbs and dump their torso with their head. We never knew what he did with the rest of the limbs. After he got arrested, he refused to tell us why he did any of it. Hopefully Tara could change that, but if not, the rest of us basically started over with the profile. 

On the plane after we had already discussed all of the information we had, I saw Rossi fumbling around with a Rubik’s cube.

“I didn’t take you for a Rubik’s cube person,” I commented. 

He set the cube down in front of him with a frustrated sigh. “That’s because I’m not. I had an old friend give me this, challenging me to figure out how to solve it before he could. As you can see, it is not working out so well for me.”

I laughed. “I can help you.”

“You know how to solve a Rubik’s cube?”

“Don’t sound so surprised. I have a variety of odd skills.”

“I’m sure you do,” he said, relinquishing the cube to me. “Have at it.”

Within the next thirty or so seconds, I set the cube back down, completely solved.

“I have to say I’m impressed,” Rossi admitted, picking up the cube to evaluate it, “I don’t know how you do that.”

“It’s really just all math,” Reid said, sitting down next to us. He picked up the cube, “See, there are a variety of algorithms that are used at various steps in the process, and many people have come up with numerous different ways that work. For example, there is one that solves for the entire first and second layer, then moves on to completing the top before the corners, and then there are others that do the reverse, completing the corners before the top.”

Rossi just stared at him, and if I had to guess what was going through his head, it was somewhere between ‘I have no idea what the hell you just said’ and ‘I’m not quite sure I care’. 

“In other words, there are patterns you can learn that will help you solve it. We can teach you, if you want,” I offered. 

“I’ll have to take a rain check. I’m not sure I’d be able to keep up,” Rossi said. He slid the cube back over mine and Reid’s way.

Reid scooped it up and started fidgeting with it. “I didn’t know you could solve a Rubik’s cube.”

“I can. Not only that, but I can solve a two-by-two, and a four-by-four,” I said, content with my answer.

He looked at me with furrowed brows. He opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by Tara. “Prove it.”

I looked up at her. “Gladly. When we get back, I will show off my cube-solving skills.”

She smiled, “I look forward to it.”

“Or she can just prove it now,” Spencer said, retrieving three cubes from his bag.

“Of course you would have those in your bag,” I chuckled. “Go ahead, then. Mix them up for me.”

“Okay, now I _have_ to get in on the action,” Morgan said, reaching over Reid from the seat behind him and grabbing the biggest cube. I rolled my eyes.

Once the three of them thought that the cubes were sufficiently mixed up, I started solving. I solved the two-by-two first, then the three-by-three, then the four-by-four. I set them down in a row next to each other. 

“I’ll be damned,” Morgan said, shaking his head.

“What? Did you ever doubt me?” I feigned offense.

“Definitely not,” he said with a wink. 

“Well, it looks to me that _you_ are now the one giving the genius a run for his money,” Tara said. 

I scoffed. “Nope. I’m sure he could still kick my ass.”

“Willing to test that theory?” Derek asked.

“Absolutely,” I said, looking at Spencer expectantly.

“Sure.”

Tara messed up one of the three-by-three cubes for me, and Derek messed up the other for Spencer.

“Okay, I want you both to start at the same time when I say go,” Tara said. She teased us, making us wait on the edge of our seats in silence before finally saying, “Go.”

We both started solving and according to the lovely commentary provided by Derek, I was in the lead. Soon though, too soon, that started to change.

“Oh no. He’s catching up,” I said.

“How do you know that? You haven’t taken your eyes off of your own,” Emily asked. To her point, I hadn’t even realized she was there.

“I can hear it.”

“You can he-” Morgan started, cutting himself off. “Of course you can. Naturally.”

A few seconds later, I put my cube down, just moments before Spencer put his down. 

“That’s unbelievable,” Rossi teased. He was resting his chin on his hand, an amused smirk on his face as he watched Spencer and I compete. All he was missing was a bowl of popcorn. 

“I almost had you!” Reid exclaimed.

“You’re outta practice. Maybe next time, champ,” I said, patting his shoulder.

* * *

Three days into our investigation, we had a possible partner’s name and body language confirmation from Keith. Garcia sent us his work and home addresses like the lovely queen she is, and we split up into two groups. Spencer, Emily, Rossi, and myself went to his work address while Hotch, Morgan, JJ, and Tara went to his home address.

“Can I help you?” asked a tall, black haired man.

“Yes, we are looking for Caleb Wheelan,” Prentiss said, holding out her badge.

“He’s not in today,” the man responded. “Is there a problem?”

“We just need to ask him a few questions. Do you know where he would be?”

“I’d assume at his house because he called in sick this morning,” the man told us. 

We asked him a variety of other questions about his co-worker and even searched his cubicle and computer and found nothing.

“Thank you. Please give us a call if he turns up,” Prentiss concluded, handing the man her business card. The man nodded and we walked away, Reid already on the phone with Aaron. 

“He wasn’t at his house, but there is nothing there that points to him being our unsub,” he said once he got off the phone. 

“Okay, so we keep digging, and hopefully we’ll be able to find him and ask him some questions,” Rossi said, and we headed back to the precinct. 

The next day, Caleb Wheelan called us.

“I just got off the phone with Wheelan, and he claims that he knew Keith before he had his psychotic break. They worked together and Keith tried to rope Wheelan into his experiments, but once Wheelan realized what was actually going on, he backed out,” Emily said, walking into the conference room.

“Do you believe him?” I asked.

“Yeah. The rest of the details he gave me, the fact that we found nothing at his home or work, and he only fits portions of the profile, suggest that he’s telling the truth,” Emily stated. 

“Okay, great. What now?” JJ asked. 

“Now we revisit the profile. Lewis is still having trouble getting Keith to tell us anything, so we should start coming up with ideas as to why he did this, and why this new unsub hasn’t escalated as much as Keith, only removing their leg not the rest of their limbs,” Hotch said. 

We didn’t have much time to brainstorm because the deputy came in, informing us that there was another body. 

We raced to the crime scene, a small, trashed alley, immediately noticing the change in MO.

“The victim’s name is Maria Rodriguez,” Morgan said. 

“First time he’s operated on a woman,” Reid pointed out. 

“And he transplanted the left leg this time,” Morgan said. 

“She died from blood loss, there’s no gangrene on the transplanted leg which means the surgery’s fresh.”

“You think he still has the other woman?”

“It justifies his haste in dumping her here. Why didn’t he go to the desert or a hospital?” Spencer’s voice slowed on the last word, realization taking over his face.

“It also means he’s speeding up his surgeries,” Derek deduced. Without another word, Spencer walked away from us, reaching for his phone in his pocket. “Reid, where are you going?”

When he didn’t answer I called after him, “Reid!”

I turned back to look at Morgan, puzzled. 

He shrugged his shoulders and asked, “What’s going on with him?”

“I have no idea. I’ve been trying to ask him about it, but I keep getting a bunch of nothing.”

“You don’t think he’s back on drugs do you?”

“No. This is a whole different kind of strange,” I said. Derek just sighed and turned his attention back to the victim. 

I glanced back at Spencer right as he hung up, making eye contact with me for only a second before turning away. “Tara! Lewis, wait. Where are you going?”

This caught Derek’s attention and he looked back over to where Reid was now jogging toward Lewis. 

“Hotch called. He wants us back at the station ASAP,” Tara said. I checked my own phone, realizing I had just received a text as well. 

“Can you give me a ride to 5th and Main? It’s on the way,” Spencer asked.

_What the hell?_

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Tara started wearily. “What’s at 5th and Main?”

_That’s what I’d like to know._

“I need to talk to somebody,” Reid said, walking around to open the passenger-side door before any one of us could protest. Derek and I looked at Lewis, eyes wide, but she just shrugged.

“Oh, okay, sure.”

Not even concerned with personal privacy, I called Garcia.

“Hey Queen P. What’s at 5th and Main?”

“It’s a payphone. I don’t know why he asked for it either,” she responded. 

_A payphone? So he_ **_is_** _back on drugs?_

“Okay, thanks girl,” I said, hanging up. 

Derek and I got into the car and drove back to the precinct. The nice thing was that Spencer was right: 5th and Main was on the way. Once we got there, I decided I’d take a ‘bathroom break’. When I was out of sight of the rest of the team, I hauled ass to 5th and Main. I didn’t want to take any chances in case he was going to meet another dealer, considering how well that ended last time. 

When I got there, I easily spotted him. I crept up the side of a brick building just behind the payphone, getting as close as I could without being seen. 

“Yes, thank you, exactly! That’s not an accident. He’s obviously using it as a cover to screen for something and that’s why I’m calling you. I’m hoping that you can help me figure out what he’s screening for,” I heard Spencer say. 

_What? Why is he discussing the case with this person? Clearly he’s comfortable with them because of how he’s addressing them._

My mind was racing.

“Yeah we worked doubling into the profile … I don’t know, actually … So you think this guy’s pursuing his own impossible cause …”

_Who is this person? Who’s smart enough that Spencer’s going to them for help on a case? Not to mention close enough to him?_

“Before he transplants, he turns them into amputees. That’s part of his experiment. What if there’s a condition the victim shares, something involving amputation?” he asked.

_He’s calling them from a payphone like he did with his dealer, but this person isn’t a dealer. Could this be that friend I never followed up on that was being threatened?_

“Unless it’s congenital, something that caused the amputation in utero?” A pause. “Exactly. So I guess the question is, what else causes birth defects?”

_Okay, focus. He’s been calling someone on a payphone for at least a month, that I know of, so probably a bit longer. He has a secret friend that he really wants to protect. He was acting weird around Derek and I earlier tonight and asked Tara, the temporary member, to drive him instead of one of us. He’s showing no signs of relapse drug abuse._

I was racking my brain, trying to make sense of all of this.

_Wait. If he’s calling this person on payphones, was he calling them right before we went to meet his dealer?_

“What if we focused on what causes limb deformities specifically?” he asked.

_This person is knowledgeable in the medical field. Surgeon, nurse, pediatrics, geneticist, epidemiologist, immunologist, infectious disease specialist…_

“But there are a lot of different strains of herpes. You know, chicken pox, for instance. If a mother isn’t inoculated and she passes the virus in utero, can’t that cause birth defects?”

_He’s literally solving this case with whoever the hell this is and the rest of us aren’t even included. He‘s talking with such passion and intrigue, his mind and mouth moving a million miles an hour, something he usually only did when he was bouncing ideas off of me or talking with me on the jet._

I checked my watch.

_Shit. I’ve been out for five minutes._

I had to get back to the precinct and soon. The team was going to ask questions, and I couldn’t risk Reid getting back before me. I couldn’t wait to hear what else he had to say, quickly moving away from the side of the building, bursting into a full on sprint. I reached the precinct doors, somewhat out of breath, knowing the pink tint on my face was going to betray me. 

I entered the conference room as casually as possible. Luckily, they were all deep in thought, wondering what we’d missed. I would’ve loved to jump in and offer what little information I heard from a one-sided phone call, but I knew I wouldn’t be helpful and all it would do would just let them know that I was eavesdropping. We’d just have to wait until Spencer got back. 

When he did, he had the key information that we needed to narrow down our search. Apparently, we were looking for a man who married a woman that had limb deformities caused by chicken pox. The only one that showed up in Garcia’s search was a John Nelson. Rossi, JJ, and Reid headed over to his house to bring him in for questioning. 

“What was that about?” Emily wondered aloud.

“I’d love to know,” I agreed.

“No, not that. Well yes, _that_ , but I was more wondering about you.”

“About me?”

“Yeah. Is everything okay? You look stressed,” she pointed out.

“Oh, I’m fine,” I replied.

“You sure? You look a little flushed.”

“I’m good, I promise.”

“Alright. Let me know if that changes,” she said with a quick eyebrow raise.

“Will do,” I said. We both knew that was a lie.

* * *

So Spencer was right, as always. They showed up to Nelson’s house in the middle of him trying to show off his handiwork to his wife. They were able to successfully detain him, leaving the rest of the work to the local PD. 

Normally, Spencer and I sat together on the plane, reviewing our ‘Jet Talk’ but today was different. We didn’t have anything to talk about, and all the questions I had, I knew he wouldn’t answer, so I decided to leave him to his book, claiming my previously isolated seat from when I was first hired. But I kept my ears open.

A few minutes into the ride, I saw Derek sit down across from Spencer.

“Ok, kid. Out with it,” Derek said. 

_Oh good. Maybe_ **_he’ll_ ** _be able to get some answers._

“Out with what?” Spencer asked. _Classic deflection._

“Out with the weirdness and the secrecy. That phone call that you could only make out of a phone booth.”

“I got a consultation,” _Yeah, right. Is that all it was?_ “What’s the big deal?”

“Reid, you left that crime scene and came back with a major break. That’s one hell of a consult.”

“Hm. It was.”

Derek wasn’t having any of it, which I was glad he wasn’t, and I watched him lean forward, giving Reid those ever intense eyes.

He sighed, and in that velvety voice said, “All right. You don’t want to talk, that’s fine. But listen. Seriously I - I feel like you and I haven’t had a chance to talk in a while. It’s nobody’s fault. It happens. But if you’ve got somebody new in your life to talk to … I’d just like to know who she is.”

_She._

My head swam. _How could I be so stupid, so oblivious! It was right in front of my face the whole fucking time, and I was worried about drugs and … myself. How_ _**I** felt. Because I’m always worried about me. _

Derek continued, eyes sparkling, “‘Cause she’s gotta be one hell of a woman to keep up with you.”

Spencer hesitated before asking, “Who told you?”

“Oh, just a little birdie. You might know her,” Derek started. “Garcia told me. And she says you have been acting a little _squirrely_.” He had that goofy grin on his face that I would normally want to bask in. But I couldn’t. “So I just filled the rest in.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Spencer tried, but I could hear the smile in his voice.

I tuned the rest out.

I looked down at the new case file in front of me that I was supposed to be providing a consult for, but I couldn’t focus. My head was spinning, and to make matters worse, I saw him turn around and look at me, probably to gauge if I’d heard any of that or not. I kept my eyes plastered to the file, my vision blurring. 

I forced myself to keep it together until I was alone, to act as neutral as possible. I didn’t allow my thoughts to wander, otherwise I’d have broken down right there in the jet. Lucky for me, the plane ride wasn’t all that long, and I was deep breathing the whole way through it. 

_It’s not worth it,_ _**he’s** not worth it. You knew something like this was going to happen, it always does. _

_STOP!_

I had to keep it together until I got off that goddamned jet. 

I was practically falling out of the door before the jet even slowed to a stop. 

“Wow, I’m hurt. I didn’t realize you wanted to leave us this badly,” Morgan teased. 

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. If I did, my voice would crack.

“Seriously, do you have somewhere to be?”

“Potentially,” I replied, using every ounce of self control I had left. 

“Yeah, where? Wait, let me guess, it’s-” Morgan started. I didn’t even let him finish, exiting the jet mid sentence. I couldn’t be trapped in the same vicinity as Reid anymore. 

I sped walked to my car, no longer caring what conclusions the team would come to. I was suffocating and I had to get out. Just get out. 

I got in my car, not even processing where I was going. Tears started spilling over, but I tried to ignore them.

 _You should have known better. Nothing good ever comes of getting involved with men. I don’t care if they seem as ‘good’ as him, they are_ _**all** the same. Every last one of them. And what did you think? That someone like him actually liked you? Actually cared about you? That’s a joke. None of them ever have, and none of them ever will. That’s just how it is. _

I didn’t even realize where I was going until I showed up there. 

The old corner shop where I got my drugs. 

I walked in, heading right past the clerk that tried to welcome me and stormed into the back room, where I saw Mack organizing pill bottles and small zip locks. 

Without saying a word, I dropped a stack of cash on his table and grabbed a bag of cocaine. I turned around, headed for the exit, but ran smack into the middle of Mack’s muscular chest. 

“Hello to you too,” he said. 

“Move,” I commanded, not even bothering to look up at him. 

He placed his hands on my shoulders. “What the fuck happened? You told me you got clean.”

“Got,” I stated, trying to move around him. 

He stepped in my path again and I went to punch him. He easily grabbed my fist, whipping me around and pining me on the table. “Dammit, Mack! Let go of me!”

“I only did that to prove that you are not thinking clearly. You are not in the right headspace,” he said, letting me out of his grasp.

“You’ve sure got that right.”

“You don’t want to do this.”

“Yes. I do. So would you move out of my way?”

“No. I’ve never seen you this rattled before.”

“Bullshit. Yes you have.”

“Okay, yes I have. But that was, like, only twice or something. Twice, Aundreya. Twice. So what happened that equals that level of distress?” he asked me, and once I’d mulled it over, I didn’t really know. It wasn’t like I was _committed_ or anything. Nothing that serious had happened, or at least, over the grand scheme of things, nothing that reached _my_ level of serious standards. I’d hooked up with people plenty of times. _So why is this different? Why am I so jacked up?_

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know you don’t, you never do. But whatever it is, it will pass. _This_ is not the answer,” he said, gesturing to the bag of drugs. 

“It is tonight. So do you want my money or not?”

He stared at me for a long time before reluctantly moving out of my way. 

“Thank you.”

“You’re gonna regret this!” Mack called after me, but I was already halfway out the door. 

* * *

When I got to my apartment, I threw my stuff down and dumped the entire contents of the bag on the table. 

_Mack’s right. This isn’t the answer. And he is not worth it. You spent one night together. One. That does not equal this level of hurt._

I stared down at the pile of white powder, rubbing my hands up and down my thighs.

 _If you weren’t so worried about yourself all the time, you would’ve been able to see what was happening. You need to get your head out of your ass. Your way of doing things isn’t working anymore. You can’t be objective anymore. On the streets you were about self preservation, but you could keep a clear head. Now you are just a sloppy mess of what you used to be. You’ve gone soft. You let yourself care. And we know what happens when we allow ourselves to care. We get hurt. We get stabbed in the back. You were focused on yourself without a clear head, and you lost control. You have to_ **_always_ ** _be in control._

I got up and walked away from the table, entering the bathroom. I felt like a volcano ready to explode, tossing all of my toxicity around, destroying anything in my path. Including me. I looked into the mirror and didn’t even recognize who was looking back.

_I don’t know you. You are weak. I am not weak. I don’t get myself into situations like this. I am smarter than that._

Suddenly I felt nauseous, and quickly turned to the toilet before throwing up. I hadn’t eaten much of anything that day, which was unusual for me, but the whole day was unusual for me. I splashed water over my face and leaned against the sink, deep breathing. 

_You are better than this. You are above drugs, above him. Just dump it and regain even the slightest bit of control._

I marched back out to my table, having made my decision, only to see Mack sitting on my couch. 

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I knew you wouldn’t do it,” he commented matter-of-factly, already sweeping the powder back into the bag.

“You couldn’t’ve known that.”

“But I did. When you put your mind to something, you do it. I’ve never seen you break that easily. And I know you’re tight for money, so I figured you’d want this back,” he said, flashing my cash. “Also, you should really think about locking your doors. Who knows? A creep could just walk in.”

“Fuck you, he just did.”

“I asked for that one.”

“Absolutely.”

“Take care of yourself, would you?” he asked, moving toward my door. He had this stern but pleading look in his eyes.

“I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I ask,” he said, exiting my apartment. “See ya around, Aundreya.”

“See ya around, Mack.” 

He gave me a single nod and shut the door. I locked it behind him. 

I sat down on my couch, looking at the now empty table, running my fingers through my hair.

_He’s right. I am going to stay clean. I am going to be less hyper-focused on my feelings. Feelings get in the way. I am also going to stay clear headed. Objective. I will not let myself be that stupid again. I will not allow myself to be that vulnerable. I am in control. They think they know me but they don’t. Whoever the fuck they met, isn’t coming back. She was weak. And I am anything but weak._


End file.
